Maybe when I get tired enough, I will stop.
And turn around to tell you what it really means to have you around, and what it means to be close to you, literally or otherwise. I should hate this.
But I don’t.
*Sigh* The irony. The melancholic beauty of this universal irony.
I could not have wished for a better way to end the weekend.
Considering that the start wasn’t exactly what I had planned it to be. You’re a mystery, you know? And for once, I am happy to be in the dark. The idle chatter, the quiet dinner. The rather cute and amazingly crafted movie that was the entertainment for the evening. The time spent in the park. Cruising.
I am spellbound, yet grounded in the reality of the grey morning that followed.
I have to admit, that this feels slightly alien. Actually, make that Very. Alien. I am not usually prone to bouts of nervousness, nor am I usually inclined to feeling as though I have failed yet succeeded at the same time. At least, not in recent history. Being able to stay in control was always a comfort that I would fall back on. But not this time. And… I didn’t mind paying that price at all.
Some things came so easily with you. The things that should have been hard. Some things were difficult to even contemplate doing. The things that should not have even required any thought. I don’t know how else to explain it. Excessive caution? The fear of torpedoing a good thing before the ship has even sailed? Me?
I am afraid. A beautiful dance of terrifying consequences and precarious balance. The tempo varies, the steps barely perceivable beyond the blur of movement and the implicit trust that is placed on instinct and vibe. There is a grace to the deliberate motions. There is a deftness to their execution.
There is meaning somewhere that I have yet to fully discern its significance.
How decidedly uplifting this feels. A contradiction of the sweetest kind. Riding along this solar flare of incandescent indescribability. And I have no idea what it all means, or where it will lead me to.
But I am happy. May it long continue.
There is a tendency for the more cerebral members of society among us to over-think and over-analyse. Perhaps it is a consequence of a greater awareness of how much bigger and complicated things really are. Or perhaps it is a manufactured awareness that is created to allow over-thinkers a chance to indulge in a self-created fantasy of superiority. But I digress. It would be hypocritical of me to suggest that this awareness is manufactured in any form, considering that I am a proponent of the notion that there is always more to be found underneath any perceived surfaces, above any perceived ceilings, and beyond any perceived barriers.
And if I wasn’t an over-thinker, I wouldn’t be writing this now, would I?
It has been a very tumultuous few months in my life. Bridges have been burned and rebuilt. Ties have been broken and mended. But I shall not bore you with the nitty gritty and the detail, because once you have read one too many sob stories, they all end up being a mishmash of hollywood movie formulas and cynical cliches. Perhaps therein lies the problem.
Perhaps we have overthought and overanalysed our tragedies to the point that they are just bullet points on slides. Data entries on a spreadsheet. Statistics printed in blood on the back of a math paper that attempts to quantify and measure the soul. Whereas we owe it to ourselves to accord events that happen in our, and indeed other people’s, lives, the proper understanding and respect that they deserve; be they heartbreaks, lost loves, betrayals, or even death; we have allowed ourselves to be tricked into believing that whatever it is you are going through, is never as bad as what other people are experiencing.
So what if you’re unhappy? Others are too, and they have it worse. Get over yourself.
Sounds familiar, eh?
But who are we to judge how big or small the impact that any occurrence has on another person’s soul? Are we that well versed in the vagaries of life that we are allowed to be cynical and dismissive of someone’s perceived suffering or lack thereof? Perhaps we are, perhaps we are not.
The events that have transpired over the course of the last two months suggests to me many things about the state of mind that we generally work ourselves in to when confronted with misfortunes and mangled happenings that either blight our own lives, or others around us. Either you get sick and cynical of what has happened, or you empathise and make the effort to try and understand. However, switch it around (with something either happening to someone else instead of it happening to you, or vice versa), and more often than not, those two reactions switch places as well.
It’s okay to be upset and emotional when something happens to you, but somehow it’s ridiculous/stupid/unreasonable/pointless if someone else were to react the same way to a situation. Likewise, it’s easy to be dismissive of someone when tragedy or misfortune befalls them, yet you curse others when others disregard you should bad luck befall you.
Where’s the respect and understanding that human beings are touted to possess? One of the aspects that supposedly makes us superior to all other ‘intelligent’ life on the planet? And most importantly, why the hate and cynicism? Why the absolute refusal to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to at least try to see it from another person’s perspective, beyond your own?
The more direct among you would just tell me to let it go and let life lead its own course. And I’m sure there are some that would make the effort to try to answer my questions.
Then again, I could just be over-thinking this. And if that really is the case, I guess the battle is lost.
I was playing my PSP earlier this evening.
A simple outlet of the day’s frustrations being taken out on mindless hordes of enemies that should know better. After all, if you see a man that’s 7 ft tall with glowing blades of fire and grey and white skin screaming in a mad rush of primitive and debased anger, wouldn’t YOU run the other way?
People tend to do stupid things. Poorly scripted AI in video games even more so. But at least the spawned combat hordes have their lack of free will to blame. Humanity does not have that particular safety net to call upon.
The simulations in video games, or at least the ones that strive to maintain a semblance of reality in their digitally created worlds, are based upon the hard, solid and controllable values of programming algorithms, consistent math, and a basic understanding of push and shove (Newton’s law, every action has an equal reaction). In short, all things being equal, digital simulations of life are how we would want them to be, according to our imaginations, prejudices, wishes and wants.
The reality though, is rather damning. Life, seems to never do enough to inspire you on its’ own, leaving you high and dry, requiring that you search for the intended epiphanies and insights that you seek, spending lifetimes doing so. More often than not, you find yourself surrounded by self-serving idiots who continually make it a seemingly worthwhile endeavour to slow you down and piss you off.
Where am I going with this? Easy. Don’t kid yourself into believing that people around you are are somehow more mentally capable than you are on your blonde days, and that they actually possess the amount of intelligence crammed into your toenails. You are tougher, better, smarter and a hell of a lot more deserving of the good in life, than that.
And then something comes along to make you feel as if all is right in the world and that you are properly appreciated for your expenditures of effort, time, blood, sweat and tears. Making you lose track of how many idiots are actually populating your atmosphere, and forgetting that without these idiots, you wouldn’t have had to make any effort anyway.
It’s been 3 odd weeks since my friend passed away in a car accident. And I must admit, I have spent a lot of that time refusing to dwell on my own mortality and the memories of the dearly departed. It is a sobering reminder that ultimately, we are not always in control of our fates, or what destiny brings us.
I write this as a cacophony of sound and noise swirls around me, people moving about as they make preparations for a party that was supposed to start an hour ago. A tranquil, if slightly uneasy center to a chaotic storm of energy and effort. It reminds me of the duality of existence and the distinct but subtle differences we all fail to notice and take heed of.
Perhaps I am rambling and do not have a point to make. I am not entirely sure. But the chance to pen my thoughts in moments like these is a rare enough opportunity in itself, and utilise it I shall. With my status as an almost total stranger, it affords me the chance to observe and watch, yet still be part of the environment I am undoubtedly a part of.
I see the smiles and gay abandon of the happiness at hand, and I find it contrasting so starkly with emotions that coursed through me little over three weeks ago. And the capacity to observe and experience such extremes of the human condition compels me to consider what it is to be human, yet still retain enough sanity to straddle both ends of the emotional spectrum.
Considering that we are all theoretically capable of the same emotions and extremes, it is interesting to see how the same events can affect different people in massively conflicting ways. How those who see death react, by either stoning themselves to the emotional cost of such a loss, or cave in to that grief and allow it to swallow them up in a tidal surge of unbridled negativity.
And here I am, enlivened by the human condition and continually perplexed by it. Empowered by its insanity. Handicapped by its imagination. I suppose the best legacy I can leave to a departed friend, is to consider the meaning of his passing, and what it has changed for me.
As some of you may have already known, the lovable and tremendously gold-hearted skater, futsal player and true friend by the name of Awang Abdul Hafeez (AKA Apit to all his friends), tragically lost his life yesterday (16/02/2008) in a car accident. I first heard the news earlier this afternoon, when informed by my girlfriend, who had been informed by her friends.
It is a shock beyond measure. A crazy, violently sad and deeply felt shock. I had not known seen him in over a month, and had counted on seeing him again once University started again on Tuesday, to catch up and to hang out like what we always used to do before the Uni holidays began. But that chance is gone now, and Apit has left us for a better place. I write this with tears in my eyes and with a deeply troubled soul that one so young and loved by many who knew him, was taken so violently from us. But it is God’s will, that is all I can comfort myself with.
Earlier on as well, around 9 p.m, those of us that could gather on such short notice, went to Babe’s Sports Farm, a futsal place run by Abang Man, to put together a tribute which we intend to hand over to his family in two weeks time. Those of us that could go, wrote messages, created cards or penned eulogies in tribute to him, to ensure that his memory is never forgotten. I myself wrote a eulogy and put it up at the little memorial that had sprung up at BSF in his memory, and I intend to publish it here, to share with you all my memory of him.
A tribute to a true friend
It is hard to describe the sense of sadness and loss that bleeds through the air whenever one of our own moves on. We live in a time whereby it just doesn’t make sense for such a young life to leave us. Parents outliving their children. Grandparents surviving their grandsons and granddaughters. But somehow or other, it is God’s will, and it happens for a reason. A reason that we mere mortals might not understand.
I may not have known him for as long as his many other friends (a little under a year), but he has always shown himself to be a gentleman off the field – a true friend that was always ready with a joke and a smile – and a sportsman on it – a tenacious, determined competitor with a strong sense of fair play and a dedication to the true spirit of sport.
There were nights when we all would be out and about, having fun and enjoying his company as jokes were exchanged and good times were shared. There were the nights out on the futsal fields, as we watched him play his heart and soul out, feeling slightly embarrassed as he beat many of us with the strength of his spirit and his refusal to never slow down or stop, until the final whistle blew.
He will never be forgotten, nor will he ever be replaced in our hearts and souls. All of us that have been affected by his passing, shall carry him with us wherever we go, in whatever we do. He shall be remembered as we go about our lives, for we owe him an immense debt for making our lives that much brighter, happier and enjoyable.You’ll never walk alone, my friend. You will never walk alone.
Note : For those of you who are wondering about the last line, it is in homage to his love of Liverpool FC, and the motto that they carry on the club emblem. A fitting and timeless way to honour him.
Those of you that read this, and know him, please do something to honour his memory and to celebrate his life. You can either go to BSF itself and sign the open card that is there, or create something on your own and pass it to me, and I will make sure that it reaches his family. Spare a thought too, for another person that lost her life in the crash, Aishah bte Ali, for the memorial is also for her.
Goodbye my friend.
Matters of critical importance tend to creep up on you unsuspectingly.
And then they surprise you, like a bad Halloween prank or midnight cravings that are supposedly satisfied by eating expired food that decides to destroy you the next day.
But hey, it happens. The question is whether or not you are prepared to deal with it.
The stealthy nature of big decisions contrasts unnervingly with the deceptive perception of how important trivial matters are.
The point of this rambling? None. I merely wanted to point out something, that most of us know, but never really articulate.
And holy crap it sucks.
I reserve the right to say what I want.
I reserve the right to make my own decisions.
I reserve the right to ignore idiots and save myself the hassle of dealing with those of an inferior understanding of the world.
I reserve the right to enjoy the wonders on offer in life in any way that I deem fit and worthy.
I reserve the right to be happy, sappy, emotional, loud, brash, arrogant, considerate, outrageous, random, choosy, easy-going, particular, fussy, knowledgeable, intelligent, blur, slow and cantankerous.
Don’t like it?
Then I reserve the right to tell you to fuck off.
Why? Because I know who I am, I know what I’m capable of, and yes, I believe I am that good.
